Striving for the very best, secure and loving relationship you can find – try the checklist below.  It is called the Hudson Plan.  You can utilize the checklist as a problem solving and explaining system in your relational life, and to figure out the systems involved in conflict.  It is also a useful checklist to take to therapy, counseling or other helping situations.

YOUR 20-POINT CHECKLIST FOR A PERFECT PARTNERSHIP

• Being able to say sorry – the next day.
• Being able to wait for the other person to say sorry – the next day.
• Having genuine common interests, similar quirks, complementary vices and virtues.
• Wanting the other’s good opinion.
• Enjoying mutual silence/time off.
• Giving permission to say the unpopular or voice anxieties.
• Giving verbal encouragement always.
• Reading the other’s moods.
• Taking second place often enough.
• Being given first place often enough.
• Learning each other’s skills – work/domestic – so each is the other’s backup.
• From day one, sorting out money issues.
• Making criticism constructive/using assertion skills – “I’d prefer this – I won’t tolerate that.”
• Touching – especially when things are difficult.
• Planning and having fun.
• Being open-minded about new ideas or adaptable to change (age/outlook/capacity/habit) at roughly the same rate or ratio.
• Dragging a problem out by the teeth when necessary to move it on.
• Respecting the other’s family – within reasonable limits.
• Being forgiving.
• Learning how to enjoy domestic life – since we all end up in an armchair eventually.

A relationship needs:

• Realisation that it is separate and bigger than the people in it.
• Realisation that if it is not growing it could be stagnating or dying.
• To respond to changing circumstances.
• The maintenance of respect.
• The maintenance of personal space.
• The respect of priorities.
• Communication delivery and action.

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

Make a list of all the important people in your life.  They could be lovers, partners, friends, family members, colleagues, neighbours.

Next to each name write down some aspects of their character you would like to change – things that annoy you.  Look at the list of annoyances.  Are they thing you would like to change about yourself?

A conscious relationship is where you can’t change these people – only yourself.  It is also about seeing the part you play in the relationship and can take responsibility for.  Realise how you are feeling, and that it’s about you, rather than blaming and naming something you don’t like in these other people.  A conscious relationship is where you set boundaries for what you want and don’t want in a relationship, where people can work with you, and where you can understand, acknowledge and work with feelings.

Positive You

Complete these sentences fairly spontaneously:

• The things I do not want to change in my relationship with ____________ are:

• The things I get frustrated about in my relationship with _____________ are:

Do this exercise with whoever you like – current, past or possible future partner, close friend, family member.  Even in successful relationships, this is challenging.  Check you list of things for values/beliefs, needs/wants, motivation/intention.  How do these issues relate to you?